With end month bills and payments due. Trying to not use Johns money because he only gets paid once a month. That was the goal. I needed supplies and products in the store so I could prepare for the coming season.

I am waiting for a payment to go into my account from a customer so I can pay John back some of the money. He always so I don’t need to but when he gets low on funds he starts to fall apart and it is hard to calm him. I do as well as possible but if I try to talk to him about it, it irritates him. So I shut down and try to not talk too much.

I have my own mental health hurdles and we do as well as we can to not have bad days the same day. Yesterday was his and today I’m feeling so tight in the chest, jaw, neck and stomach. So not that I want to rely on yet another pill (I have anti-depressants and another 2 I use at night for sleep and PTSD) I am taking an anti-anxiety pill so I can relax a little. I would have gone swimming or to a float tank if we weren’t in Covid restrictions.

I really don’t like turning to meds but I’ve learned there are things I have to accept in order to be productive.

I miss my coping mechanisms.