Author: Ydono

I was just reading my past entries and I am sorry that they don’t seem to be very cohesive. I have had a lot of change in the past couple of weeks and I am working on all of them at once. It is no wonder I am so tired.

1) Steven is home schooled I had him going to a friends house during the day so he would continue the schooling. She home schools her own children and is the one that started me on this path. Steven was not doing well in her home as she was not being consistent. He would do something wrong with her children and they were the ones being disciplined then he would be allowed to have more space and he would get himself in to more trouble. This was not working and it turned very negative really quickly.

I had changed his situation to where I would have my friend Connie come to my home and work with him there. We didn’t have a problem with that so much but more with what I was paying. I had lent her my van for the past 2 months and never asked for any compensation. When I told her what was going on she offered to come in but then it quickly turned into a situation where she wanted me to pay her $80/wk for just 3 days work. I can not afford that and I was feeling like I was being taken advantage of.

2) John has been in Sri Lanka since the beginning of Jan. He will be home tonight and then in Aug or Sept he will be gone to Afganistan for 6 months. This is good because this is what he wants but I feel bad because I have had so much going on the past month while he has been away that I was unable to deal with things well.

3) I have gone to work full time which is great but at the same time it is another change for us and that is part of the main problem. I don’t have the time like I used to. I find it hard some times. I can bring Steven to work with me and that helps, but I can’t do that all the time and he is 12 so I should be able to trust him to be home on his own not getting into trouble but I can’t trust him right now. He has stolen from me and he has lied to me and he has done some really stupid things with the e-mail. So this is not helping.

I know John will be home tonight and that is great but that is another source of stress. Another change in the home. Hopefully I can get through it with out losing myself.

John will be home tonight at 2:30 am or so. I am hoping I will be able to stay awake or wake up to go and get him.

I have told Connie that the home schooling of Steven is not going to work out with her because she is continually upping the price. We had originally agreed to me just paying $50/wk for her to come out to my home and look after Stevens schooling. She has been using my van since before Christmas. So I felt that was fair. Apparently I was not appreciating her time or efforts. Which is not the case at all. I just thought we were going to be helping each other out.

So now I have Steven with me at work daily and that is not going to work over a long time period. I will have to figure something else out. It was working great with him being here on Tues and Thurs and him being home on the the other days. I may still do that. I don’t know.

Connie and I had an understanding that when John comes home he would need the van back. I phoned her last night telling her I would be out today to get it and she through out the excuses as to why I could not have the van back yet. This is just a real problem. I wish she would get her van fixed and then I won’t have to worry about it.

I am so tired of all the different things going on in my life right now it is very frustrating. I really just need John to come home and be here for me but then I feel bad about saying that because I have to be able to deal with these things on my own. He is going to be going away again for 6 months this time and if I can not do one month then that is not good.

I feel like I just need to hide away right now and not deal with anyone.

K I better sign off this has been alot of whining and I need to stop that. Have a great day.

 

John will be home on Monday and I am getting really excited and nervous about it. I always get this way when he returns. I find it so much easier to say goodbye then to say welcome home. I want him to be happy and to feel welcome and I always doubt that I will do what he needs.

I am still pretty sick but feeling better. The head cold has gone from my head to my chest and now I am having trouble eating. I know I need to eat but I really don’t want to.

I am also feeling stressed out here at work people that have been due to pay back for over a week now have not come in and I (being stupid) don’t have cheques on file for some of them and the others well I know the cheques will bounce. I know my boss wants me to put the cheques in anyway but I just don’t like the idea of it bouncing.

Well I guess I have to do what I have to do.

 

 

I think I know why I had such a bad migraine the other day. I now have a head cold that kept me from moving around at all yesterday. I didn’t go to church and I didn’t do anything except lay down on my bed and on the couch. I am at work now but I am sniffling like crazy even with the medication. 

The boys really act up when I am not doing well. They don’t seem to manage being a team when I am down. Funny I remember my sister and brother and I being like that. Different being on the other side of the coin.

Oh well so the house fell apart again. I wish I could get myself to keep the routines going I do well for a while some longer then others but then I fall apart and I need a kick start again. It is not that I am doing to much that I crash and burn it is just life happens and I get sidetracked.

I didn’t even make it to curves this morning because I am so tired and sick. I am hoping that by tomorrow I will be able to go. I will just force myself but if I am still sniffling and sneezing that is not fair to the other ladies that are there.

ok well I am going to sign off now

 

Well I dealt with that problem with Steven and then I find he has stolen money from my work money. I had caught him in a lie and had to figure out how to deal with it. I am really struggling to find what is the best way to work with him so that he is getting the appropriate consequences and not being punished unfairly or unjustly.

I have a feeling that becuase I am so tired right now that I am not being consistent enough with him and that is making things worse.

I have a really bad migraine today so I am just going to sign off right now and I will hopefully update more later.

 

I have had a problem this week with my oldest son Steven. He is really angry about a few things and he doesn’t speak to me about them he just holds it in like his Dad does. (I guess he doesn’t want me to be upset) anyway he sent off an e-mail to a girl that he is upset with and said some really disgusting sentence. I have restricted him on the computer more and have taken the e-mail and chatt away from him. I have talked to him about how it feels on the other side of the equation and I think he understands that it was not right and he is sorry for hurting her.

I am looking into different programs for him and other sorts of activities for him to do. He is being home schooled but with me working I had sent him to a friends house and he was not being treated very fairly there by not being disciplined appropriately when the other kids were (her kids) and the boundaries kept on expanding as he would break a rule. This caused alot of problems with him and the other kids and built a lot of resentment.

John being away at this time is not helping. I have e-mailed him and talked to him about it. He will be talking to Steven about it soon I hope. I know he is busy and doesn’t have alot of time to write or talk. He is also 11 hrs ahead so that makes it difficult.

I am lucky to have a good support system here and I am utilizing it.

Have to get ready for work

Wow I haven’t been in here for a while. The last time I wrote is was about my cat Missy. I still miss her and I cherish the memories I have of her. She really was a special member of my family and the boys rarely go a day without mentioning her. We had her for nearly 12 yrs.

Since then Steven has turned 12 and has been ordained a Deacon. He will be passing sacrament this Sunday. I have change his home-schooling situation he is now in our home instead of my friends and I will be having someone come to my home to supervise him.This should relieve alot of stress for all us. Especially with John not being home again.

I am feeling really lost lately like I have to defend myself as a parent and as a person in general and I know that I am not a bad person and I am a good parent I do make mistakes and I pay for them but I feel like I am a good parent.

Anyway I will sign off again for now I had more to say but I have lost my train of thought so I will come back to it later.

 

I took Missy to the vet today and had her put to sleep. The vet figures she had Diabetes and possibly kidney disease also with a thyroid problem. She was only 1.9 kgs and the procedure was really fast once we put the seditation in. She just curled up to my neck and went to sleep.

I really am going to miss her. She was my pretty little girl and I really do feel bad that I could not keep her going longer. I know she is not suffering anymore. I know she was loved and she felt loved. She really is a special girl.

I only hope she can forgive me for letting her suffer this long I just wasn’t able to let go earlier. I know I have made the best choice for her.

 

hi. I am writing today because I seem to always forget about this site when things are going really well for me.

I have had an encounter with Housing and they are on my case because of the house being a disaster and I agree that the house should never be this bad. It just seems to get away from me and takes me a long time getting control.

Last week I had help in the kitchen and the kitchen has been staying clean for 6 days now. John cleaned the basement last night and he did an awesome job. I have had our bedroom clean for over a week now and things are coming together. Just not fast enough. If John had done what I asked when I did we would not be having a problem with housing. Oh well lesson learned I need to be more assertive with him. I hate it though I don’t like treating him like a kid.

I am still trying to decide whether or not to get rid of an animal or two. I know it would help the stress in the house. I would just really miss them. and I would not want to worry about there safety.

I had a visit from the SPCA today as well and she has checked all the pets and said that they seem to healthy and happy. She agrees that it is time for Missy to be put down. I don’t know how I am going to do that on Fri. but I have to.

I agree the house should never be as bad as it got but somehow it just slips away from me. I am working hard on getting control but it doesn’t seem to be happening fast enough. I know I have said this.

Ok well I will work on it more tomorrow and maybe things will get better with John so that he does these things before someone else gets involved.

 I am working on it.

 

Well I am feeling much better today. Sleep does wonders for the brain. I am going over to a friends for a visit and while I am gone I am hoping for John to sort the clothes that are in the living room.

I will write more later