Tag: childhood

Uphill…

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So today we are headed to Moms for the night. Tomorrow John flies out to BC.

So since I started with ACN I have earned a bonus and reached the 20 customer point milestone.

The other milestone I have reached is finally under 250 lbs.

Meds for anxiety are leveling out but I still don’t have that draw to go back to the bus.

We don’t have a return date yet for John. This is a bit of a trigger with me but I’ll be ok

I have taken medical leave because of how I’m feeling regarding mood swings, anxiety, panic attacks. Have my Dr appt Mar 22 so then we will decide what I’m doing with the school bus. Honestly, I think I may be finished. So many negative thoughts come when I think of driving.

We signed Steven up with ACN today. Which is exciting. I’d love for him to make a good income with it.

I know I pushed the idea on him and I will build his team with him.

At the moment I’m at mom’s. Not dealing with Marcel very well. My filters are hearing… I look after your Mom I deserve a part of the funds from your parents marital home. My belief is that the home that my parents share/own together has nothing to do with Marcel. The home and vehicles he owns with my Mom are all his, and only his if she should pass.

Anyway another uphill battle internally. I’ll get through this too.

COPE

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John and I did a full week of intense therapy. We did a program called COPE Couples Overcoming PTSD Everday.

We were part of a 4 couple group. We stayed at a resort and everything was taken care of. Food/lodging ect.

John and I had some intense moments together. Dealing with our combined PTSD is not easy and we built some tools and dusted some others off…

We had an issue with the landlord before we left and had to deal with that while we were away. He wanted Dylan out of the house before we left. Told us Friday and we left Sunday morning. So we got a paralegal to draw up a letter to him to remind him he is overstepping.

We are now nervous with the relationship we will have with him as we move forward. We are now thinking we will no longer be living there long term.

Mom was in hospital for 3 days as well her kidneys and liver are in distress. So she was in hospital being monitored. She us home again and is doing better.

BC is flooding. I checked on Dad and he is ok. Our old house that we started our marriage in is under water but it is in the Sumas Prairie which was a lake before the 40’s… so not sure if it will recover.

Jason is busy driving supplies in from the train to wherever.

Uncle Jim is on his last days… so John will be going out west soon.

So many changes. Also Vera is going back to Belgium.

I am trying to cope with everything but I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Childhood Trauma

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So as the oldest of 3 I took on a lot of responsibility growing up. My earliest memories are of my sister and I huddled together listening to horrible fights between my parents.

My parents separated for a year when I was 6 and we were taken to BC from ON. Leaving our Mother in ON. This put me in a role of care taker of my young siblings. Sister just turned 5 and my brother was 2.

We lived with relatives and then with a woman and her children for a while.

Mom moved to BC to come join us. We had 5 great years as a family. Could not have asked for better. Than things fell apart and I took on the role of mediator and continued my role of care taker of my siblings.

Both of my siblings remember our family lives very much differently than I do. I know they didn’t see what I did and they didn’t know what I do. This makes it hard for them to understand where I come from when I start to defend things about our mother. Who finally left the marriage when I was 28 and I told her I was done being a mediator.

I am realizing just how much trauma I went through and why I process things so differently than my siblings.

These are hard to accept at times before I had the mindset that I had an ok life without abuse ect. Now I’m realizing just how much was there.

We have raised our sons who are now in their own relationships and I’m hoping that I was able to give them the tools that I didn’t have to handle the tough stuff that comes up.