Tag: depression

Emotional wreck…

YdonoLeave a comment

This last weekend it seemed that everything set me off. I was either crying or angry. Had a hard time staying ok.

Friday I tried to pull off a Vendor Meeting and it seemed like we were getting somewhere even though half of the invitees didn’t show. Then when we shared what we had come up with they did not like it. So accommodations were made.

Sat I was not in the store but while I was away even more changes were made. I feel discouraged.

The main goal is to come together to come up with a marketing plan that will work for all of us. We are all independent businesses but under the same roof.

We also decided to move things around in our booths. Causing alot of extra stress but in the end it will be so much better.

Display room

Today is a new day, new week.

1st Week Back ✔

YdonoLeave a comment

So we went back on Tuesday. Mostly the same as usual. Road work, silly drivers, great kids, stressed out on the silliest of things…

I have 2 of my students back from online learning and 3 new students. One of them I have not even met yet but I know he will be on the bus. I’ll be doing up the name badges tomorrow.

Vera and I are sharing the driving from Ottawa back and forth between bus runs. We are helping each other at the store. I spoke with her today to let her know that if she feels crowded or imposed upon to let me know. She told me that was not even a thought. We found out we both have the same internal self speech and anxieties. We will help each other grow.

Charlene flew to Edmonton this morning. I made sure she knew that my saying that I won’t miss her was just a facade and in fact I will miss her dearly. I feel like another Sister has left me. I want what is best for her. I feel that being with her family out there will be such a great blessing for her. How lucky she is to have Grandchildren and the opportunity to be with them as they grow. She has her daughters in-laws welcoming her with open arms. She will finally have the love and support of family that she completely deserves.

Fred has brought me some backgrounds for my displays and things are starting to look much better. I need to focus on my website this weekend but tomorrow getting the space cleaned up and visually pleasing again.

I spoke with Jon and told him to go ahead with any resin art that he wants and if he needs anything to let me know. I want to focus on the CNC skills right now. Get that going before the Christmas rush.

I lost a sale today. My Square would not connect and as we were trying the lady put her card away twice. I had Vera come and try with hers and the customers card failed. I think she purposely put the wrong pin in. It was a spontaneous order so… I think the delay made her change her mind.

I have a tumbler that a customer gave me the art it was from a teen daughter that is now deceased. I decided not to contact the family to ask permission to sell it as it as it was ordered as a gift to the mother of the deceased as a gift.

So I will offer other possibilities to the person wanting it. Not sure if this is the best action but I believe so.

I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

Back to School

YdonoLeave a comment

My last night before going back to work as a school bus driver. Feeling excited, and nervous. Have not had to wake early for about 9 months. Hoping I’ll be ok in the morning. So excited to see the kids.

So many emotions!

I have been working on my website as I changed servers. It is quite daunting as I need to redo all my products. I am lacking in product descriptions but I will figure that out.

So my busy days are starting again. 7-10 bus, 10:30-2:30 Store, 3-5:30 bus

This is Charlenes last week here. She flies to Alberta on Friday. She is staying here with us.

Our house is full. Dylan and his dog Sid are also staying here till he figures out what he needs and gets sorted.

John is feeling a bit overwhelmed but we are managing.

Ok time for bed

August

YdonoLeave a comment

Well that went fast. Next Tuesday I go back to work driving the bus again. I can’t explain how excited and happy I am to be with the kids again.

I have 3 new students that I’m excited to meet. I am going to do up the name tags this weekend.

I have switched hosting sites for my website so I am going to work on building it over the weekend. I am happy I will be saving some money but wish I didn’t do this switch at this time.

I am building healthier relationships which is great.

I am working on my mental health with the Bounce Back program. I did the first couple workbooks and am going to work through the next one on being assertive and building healthy boundaries.

We had a great visit with Grandma and took the dogs with us. The trailer was comfortable for the most part. We were in a heat wave so it was a bit hot in the afternoon but thank goodness for AC. Rusty and Sasha are great travelers.

Daryon and Taylor looked after Ester and Dylan looked after Mya, Rio and Copy Cat. Everyone survived lol

So now onto working the store and driving the bus. Getting my bookkeeping up to date with Wendy. Starting singing lessons to build up my confidence again.

Really trying not to overload myself as I am not wanting a crash. So I am trying to build a safety net of support to help me through this.

New friendships

YdonoLeave a comment

I have had a rough few days mentally bashing… questioning my self worth and such.

Doubting my skills and really struggling.

I have developed a new friendship that has helped me in leaps and bounds. They seem to find ways on my lowest to boost me.

I am feeling very blessed at the moment and want to be sure to focus on building a strong healthy relationship.

For the few negative people in my environment I have many more positive ones to out weigh the negative.

My focus is to practice putting my thoughts and reactions in proper balance.

Thank you for all that are supporting each other in positive ways and helping to build up people. You never know just how much a light smile or small gesture can lift someone.

Frustrated

YdonoLeave a comment

I would like to remember to write when I am feeling good, but it seems that I only think to write when my mind is spinning out of control.

So here is why I am spinning tonight. My friend that is helping me with the business is gone away for the month so I thought… She left on the 18th, so I assumed she would be back around the 3rd week of July. I spoke with her today and she informed me she would be back in August but didn’t give me a date.

I’ll try to bulletin where my thoughts are.

1. She planned trip for leave in June before we knew if I was going back to the bus. She is the person in the store while I am on the bus.

2. When I was taking her to the airport she only thought of her needs and didn’t consider what my plans may be and I ended up not only paying for her lunch (not a huge deal as I always seem to foot the bill) but also had to make travel arrangements for her fiance to be able to get home from our place because I have the vehicle and he didn’t want to wait for me to get back.

3. I needed some of her files to complete orders and she didn’t leave me anyway to access them. I figured it out but again she had tons of time to prepare for her absence and make sure we were covered business wise.

4. Today she calls to make travel arrangements for her fiance and will need someone to take care of her cats. I asked what day she is coming back and that is when I find out not till August. Meaning she avoided telling me a date to avoid the conversation as I had already expressed that 1 month is ok but need her back so I can have some time off. I will be going back to the bus in September and then back to 7 days a week of working between my job and my business.

I am upset that every time in the last couple weeks that we talk I seem to be getting angry, frustrated, and upset. I am constantly reminding her she is only thinking of herself and not considering how it affects others.

I feel like I am only there for her but forget about my needs being met and it hurts.

I was looking forward to spending my 50th birthday with her and then she made plans for this trip. That hurt more than I thought it would.

I am building the store in a way that I won’t rely on her anymore. It sucks because I was hoping that she would venture into the craft business more with her stuff. However she is a maker but not a seller. Learning…

I have been working with my husband and we are doing pretty well. He struggles being there all day but has been working on his whips.

I guess I have just come to the realization that this friendship is near it’s end and I have lost so much over the past 2 yrs that I am drained.

New adventures await as the tides change…

Everyday is a new day. Is my mantra. I’ll live and as I do I’ll grow.

Progress

YdonoLeave a comment

This has been a busy week. Started off with an order for 6 t-shirts and a couple more orders.

Been working on some resin art pieces. Also some other orders are coming in. Feels good to have something to work with.

We are getting 2 retired breeding hedgehogs at the end of June so I’ll have them in my household again. I just love the temperaments of these fun creatures. These 2 are both 2 yrs old.

We are still in lockdown #3 till June 2. No word on when we will be going back to work. I don’t imagine we are going till September. However, that is just a possibility. Who knows with politics.

John has been doing a lot of outside work this week and his moods have improved. The warmer weather has been a huge help.

I have connected with Bounceback Ontario and waiting for a response. I have also reconnected with Community Mental Health. I am on the waiting list for a case worker.

Things are progressing in a positive at this moment. Hoping to continue the momentum.

Plans

YdonoLeave a comment

We are still in Covid Lockdown #3. Not sure if schools are going to open up before end of the year. Still running store as curbside pick-up.

I have ordered more molds and different stuff for the epoxy resin. I am trying new things with it. One of the other vendors in the market works with resin as well and we are doing a lot of supporting each other and helping each other grow our ideas. He is a great artist and he already had me do a transfer of his art on a shirt.

I will be getting a CNC to add to our equipment. Which is exciting as we are going to be able to do so much more.

The full focus of my shop is still going to custom personalized art. Just will have the option to add other products.

As for personal plans. I have reconnected with Community Mental Health and am going to see which programs will help me get through this bought of depression and anxiety.

John is waiting for the OT to assess him to see which programs he is eligible to help him.

You can tell we aren’t doing the best as our home is cluttered and disorganized. Having someone come in every other week to do a refresh is helpful but I’m not getting through the clutter and it is very draining.

I am going to keep focusing on building the business presence online and grow the network.

Building Jays logo for Trucker Tourettes has been draining. I think we are getting it where it needs to be.

Forward thinking and ignoring the wishy washy news of when things are going to reopen is how I am going about my days.

Business doubts

YdonoLeave a comment

So it has been a full year since I started to fully think of myself as a business owner and working to build it.

Since November I have been renting a booth as a full time vendor at Up-Town Market.

We are now in our second lockdown and that means no foot traffic. When school is open I am still driving bus so I have 3 hrs per day to be at the store.

I’m trying hard to utilize this extra time to make the booths more appealing. I am adding products to expand the variety.

I am struggling as I am fighting another depression due to these changes over and over.

I am struggling with my self confidence as I was building a good momentum with T-shirts and other products but one of the other booths is doing the same and I am feeling defeated. I almost want to give up completely as the other business is promoting almost daily.

I sound petty and jealous but honestly it is a fear that I am not good enough and that I am way over my head. I have support but I don’t ha6the self confidence that I had. I realize some of this is due to my mental health but it is also a lack of true support from the other store that is now directly competing with my business even though that is not what we agreed on. I’m stuck….

I really need to have our lockdown end so I can regain my mental health coping mechanisms.

Bursting at the seams

YdonoLeave a comment

With end month bills and payments due. Trying to not use Johns money because he only gets paid once a month. That was the goal. I needed supplies and products in the store so I could prepare for the coming season.

I am waiting for a payment to go into my account from a customer so I can pay John back some of the money. He always so I don’t need to but when he gets low on funds he starts to fall apart and it is hard to calm him. I do as well as possible but if I try to talk to him about it, it irritates him. So I shut down and try to not talk too much.

I have my own mental health hurdles and we do as well as we can to not have bad days the same day. Yesterday was his and today I’m feeling so tight in the chest, jaw, neck and stomach. So not that I want to rely on yet another pill (I have anti-depressants and another 2 I use at night for sleep and PTSD) I am taking an anti-anxiety pill so I can relax a little. I would have gone swimming or to a float tank if we weren’t in Covid restrictions.

I really don’t like turning to meds but I’ve learned there are things I have to accept in order to be productive.

I miss my coping mechanisms.