Tag: grief

Rusty

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Rustys last day!

Rusty came to us when he was 3 yrs old he was a yappy happy dog. 4 lbs and full of bravery and well to be honest stupidity lol…

He loved his fur siblings Mya and Trooper I would catch the 3 of them sleeping all together.

We put Trooper down 2 yrs ago when he was 12 and now that Rusty is 12 he has joined him.

Rusty has been in a lot of pain over the past while, so much so that we even used CBD oil to give him some relief. It helped but not enough…

I’ve been preparing for this day, however I don’t know if you can truly prepare for these days.

Rusty taught me that I can love and cherish even the smallest of the canines lol 4 lbs of pure love!

Uphill…

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So today we are headed to Moms for the night. Tomorrow John flies out to BC.

So since I started with ACN I have earned a bonus and reached the 20 customer point milestone.

The other milestone I have reached is finally under 250 lbs.

Meds for anxiety are leveling out but I still don’t have that draw to go back to the bus.

We don’t have a return date yet for John. This is a bit of a trigger with me but I’ll be ok

I have taken medical leave because of how I’m feeling regarding mood swings, anxiety, panic attacks. Have my Dr appt Mar 22 so then we will decide what I’m doing with the school bus. Honestly, I think I may be finished. So many negative thoughts come when I think of driving.

We signed Steven up with ACN today. Which is exciting. I’d love for him to make a good income with it.

I know I pushed the idea on him and I will build his team with him.

At the moment I’m at mom’s. Not dealing with Marcel very well. My filters are hearing… I look after your Mom I deserve a part of the funds from your parents marital home. My belief is that the home that my parents share/own together has nothing to do with Marcel. The home and vehicles he owns with my Mom are all his, and only his if she should pass.

Anyway another uphill battle internally. I’ll get through this too.

COPE

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John and I did a full week of intense therapy. We did a program called COPE Couples Overcoming PTSD Everday.

We were part of a 4 couple group. We stayed at a resort and everything was taken care of. Food/lodging ect.

John and I had some intense moments together. Dealing with our combined PTSD is not easy and we built some tools and dusted some others off…

We had an issue with the landlord before we left and had to deal with that while we were away. He wanted Dylan out of the house before we left. Told us Friday and we left Sunday morning. So we got a paralegal to draw up a letter to him to remind him he is overstepping.

We are now nervous with the relationship we will have with him as we move forward. We are now thinking we will no longer be living there long term.

Mom was in hospital for 3 days as well her kidneys and liver are in distress. So she was in hospital being monitored. She us home again and is doing better.

BC is flooding. I checked on Dad and he is ok. Our old house that we started our marriage in is under water but it is in the Sumas Prairie which was a lake before the 40’s… so not sure if it will recover.

Jason is busy driving supplies in from the train to wherever.

Uncle Jim is on his last days… so John will be going out west soon.

So many changes. Also Vera is going back to Belgium.

I am trying to cope with everything but I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Missing you!

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Today is my Sister’s 49th birthday. She passed away in March of 2017. We are 17 months apart. I’m the older.

Waking up today and realizing today is this particular day is hard. I want so much for to be able to call her and wish her a happy birthday.

I know she is no longer in pain and that her passing before Covid was a huge blessing. She would have suffered greatly through the past 2 yrs.

This picture is before she started to really go down hill.

She was very giggly and extremely vocal. Lol Not many memories of her being silent. She would talk me through my toughest times by just talking about whatever. Sometimes repeating herself because I would lose track of the conversation.

Today is a rough one but I know she is better where she is.

1st Week Back ✔

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So we went back on Tuesday. Mostly the same as usual. Road work, silly drivers, great kids, stressed out on the silliest of things…

I have 2 of my students back from online learning and 3 new students. One of them I have not even met yet but I know he will be on the bus. I’ll be doing up the name badges tomorrow.

Vera and I are sharing the driving from Ottawa back and forth between bus runs. We are helping each other at the store. I spoke with her today to let her know that if she feels crowded or imposed upon to let me know. She told me that was not even a thought. We found out we both have the same internal self speech and anxieties. We will help each other grow.

Charlene flew to Edmonton this morning. I made sure she knew that my saying that I won’t miss her was just a facade and in fact I will miss her dearly. I feel like another Sister has left me. I want what is best for her. I feel that being with her family out there will be such a great blessing for her. How lucky she is to have Grandchildren and the opportunity to be with them as they grow. She has her daughters in-laws welcoming her with open arms. She will finally have the love and support of family that she completely deserves.

Fred has brought me some backgrounds for my displays and things are starting to look much better. I need to focus on my website this weekend but tomorrow getting the space cleaned up and visually pleasing again.

I spoke with Jon and told him to go ahead with any resin art that he wants and if he needs anything to let me know. I want to focus on the CNC skills right now. Get that going before the Christmas rush.

I lost a sale today. My Square would not connect and as we were trying the lady put her card away twice. I had Vera come and try with hers and the customers card failed. I think she purposely put the wrong pin in. It was a spontaneous order so… I think the delay made her change her mind.

I have a tumbler that a customer gave me the art it was from a teen daughter that is now deceased. I decided not to contact the family to ask permission to sell it as it as it was ordered as a gift to the mother of the deceased as a gift.

So I will offer other possibilities to the person wanting it. Not sure if this is the best action but I believe so.

I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

50 yr birthday

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I am now 50 yrs old. I had a great day which I spent with family and friends.

I received many Birthday wishes. Had a BBQ lunch at home with John and the missionaries. They helped us with yard work.

We then went to have dinner with Daryon and Taylor. We enjoyed steaks cooked on an open fire, fresh veggies and dip. Had an ice cream cake.

I also had moments where I thought of those that are no longer here with us. My big sister (not biological related) and I share our birthday. She passed away a few years ago of stomach cancer. I miss our chats and supporting each other. Mostly she supported me through the years.

A dear friend who also passed of cancer a few years ago. We would celebrate our birthday together as it was only a few days apart.

I cherish these memories and many more as I have been blessed with many good people in my life. I hope that I can be a good friend to all that need me. I wish to be supportive and encouraging.

My goals in life is to hopefully leave each relationship better then when it began. Even if it ends negatively that the person can think of something positive out of the relationship.

I am so thankful for everyone in my life. Looking forward to another year of lessons and opportunities to grow.

Frustrated

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I would like to remember to write when I am feeling good, but it seems that I only think to write when my mind is spinning out of control.

So here is why I am spinning tonight. My friend that is helping me with the business is gone away for the month so I thought… She left on the 18th, so I assumed she would be back around the 3rd week of July. I spoke with her today and she informed me she would be back in August but didn’t give me a date.

I’ll try to bulletin where my thoughts are.

1. She planned trip for leave in June before we knew if I was going back to the bus. She is the person in the store while I am on the bus.

2. When I was taking her to the airport she only thought of her needs and didn’t consider what my plans may be and I ended up not only paying for her lunch (not a huge deal as I always seem to foot the bill) but also had to make travel arrangements for her fiance to be able to get home from our place because I have the vehicle and he didn’t want to wait for me to get back.

3. I needed some of her files to complete orders and she didn’t leave me anyway to access them. I figured it out but again she had tons of time to prepare for her absence and make sure we were covered business wise.

4. Today she calls to make travel arrangements for her fiance and will need someone to take care of her cats. I asked what day she is coming back and that is when I find out not till August. Meaning she avoided telling me a date to avoid the conversation as I had already expressed that 1 month is ok but need her back so I can have some time off. I will be going back to the bus in September and then back to 7 days a week of working between my job and my business.

I am upset that every time in the last couple weeks that we talk I seem to be getting angry, frustrated, and upset. I am constantly reminding her she is only thinking of herself and not considering how it affects others.

I feel like I am only there for her but forget about my needs being met and it hurts.

I was looking forward to spending my 50th birthday with her and then she made plans for this trip. That hurt more than I thought it would.

I am building the store in a way that I won’t rely on her anymore. It sucks because I was hoping that she would venture into the craft business more with her stuff. However she is a maker but not a seller. Learning…

I have been working with my husband and we are doing pretty well. He struggles being there all day but has been working on his whips.

I guess I have just come to the realization that this friendship is near it’s end and I have lost so much over the past 2 yrs that I am drained.

New adventures await as the tides change…

Everyday is a new day. Is my mantra. I’ll live and as I do I’ll grow.

Covid and Relationships

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So I just received a message from a long time friend. She stated that she has blocked me on FB because I have someone on my friends list that she is not wanting in her life anymore. She doesn’t want this person to have anything to do with her and through extension she has blocked anyone that has a connection with him.

I asked if that meant she is removing me from all of her connections (Teens in the home). Also that going about it this way is quite hurtful to me. This triggered a barrage of anger towards me and lashing out.

Our friendship has been strained as it is and she is quite angry that I haven’t been connecting with her for that past while.

I have done what I can with the time and energy I have available. I do believe my friendship with this person is now over.

Covid has put quite the strain on all relationships lately. My marriage is good but it gets rough communicating. With my Depression/Anxiety and John’s PTSD.

Hard to keep up the routine of calling Mom daily as I don’t want to interrupt her day once she gets going. I am not the happiest person to speak to at the best of times but I usually have the energy to listen and help others with dealing with the negative stuff in their lives. Lately, I have not had that energy for a while now.

I am not coping very well and it is showing in the relationships I have in many areas.

A friend decided I need a wellness check last week. A crisis worker called this morning to follow up on that. I told her that I feel I need to connect with Community Mental Health again. She is putting a referral in for me.

I feel at a loss at the moment knowing that this friendship is basically over. A long time of friendship is now over. This sucks. I am truly hurt by her lashing out the way she always does. I know I should expect it.

Not being able to work and go out to release my tensions by swimming, eating out or going out to a Movie or Casino is really effecting me.

I am thankful for having a separate space to work in, doing the custom products help distract me. My house needs some love but not able to get into the proper mindset.

Anniversary

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Not our wedding anniversary yet. 4 yrs ago today my sister passed away. We are 17 months apart. She is the younger.

Nadene was the brightest light and loudest in our family. Being a middle child she played that role well.

Even though it has been 4 yrs, some days it feels just like yesterday she was on the other end of the phone. Yammering away with her stories and dramas.

She had a rough life but she could always make you smile and people were drawn to her.

This is just a quick post as I don’t want to spend too much time dwelling on the loss but more on trying to keep her light going.