Tag: health

Childhood Trauma

YdonoLeave a comment

So as the oldest of 3 I took on a lot of responsibility growing up. My earliest memories are of my sister and I huddled together listening to horrible fights between my parents.

My parents separated for a year when I was 6 and we were taken to BC from ON. Leaving our Mother in ON. This put me in a role of care taker of my young siblings. Sister just turned 5 and my brother was 2.

We lived with relatives and then with a woman and her children for a while.

Mom moved to BC to come join us. We had 5 great years as a family. Could not have asked for better. Than things fell apart and I took on the role of mediator and continued my role of care taker of my siblings.

Both of my siblings remember our family lives very much differently than I do. I know they didn’t see what I did and they didn’t know what I do. This makes it hard for them to understand where I come from when I start to defend things about our mother. Who finally left the marriage when I was 28 and I told her I was done being a mediator.

I am realizing just how much trauma I went through and why I process things so differently than my siblings.

These are hard to accept at times before I had the mindset that I had an ok life without abuse ect. Now I’m realizing just how much was there.

We have raised our sons who are now in their own relationships and I’m hoping that I was able to give them the tools that I didn’t have to handle the tough stuff that comes up.

Bursting at the seams

YdonoLeave a comment

With end month bills and payments due. Trying to not use Johns money because he only gets paid once a month. That was the goal. I needed supplies and products in the store so I could prepare for the coming season.

I am waiting for a payment to go into my account from a customer so I can pay John back some of the money. He always so I don’t need to but when he gets low on funds he starts to fall apart and it is hard to calm him. I do as well as possible but if I try to talk to him about it, it irritates him. So I shut down and try to not talk too much.

I have my own mental health hurdles and we do as well as we can to not have bad days the same day. Yesterday was his and today I’m feeling so tight in the chest, jaw, neck and stomach. So not that I want to rely on yet another pill (I have anti-depressants and another 2 I use at night for sleep and PTSD) I am taking an anti-anxiety pill so I can relax a little. I would have gone swimming or to a float tank if we weren’t in Covid restrictions.

I really don’t like turning to meds but I’ve learned there are things I have to accept in order to be productive.

I miss my coping mechanisms.

Building a business with self doubt

YdonoLeave a comment

So since my sister passed away close to 4 yrs ago, I decided I would push myself to be more out there.

Nadene was so vibrant and loud. You could not miss the fact she was around. She was brave and would push boundaries without too much hesitation.

So with her loss and realizing that I have lived my life within so many strict boundaries causing huge issues of self doubt, feelings of not being worthy of good things.

I realized that I need to take her example and be more. See myself the way others see me. Not be responsible for everything and everyone.

I decided that I would take the plunge and go full force into my own business.

I am fighting myself doubt and self worthless feelings nearly every day. I am pushing past the idea of providing perfection.

I want to provide custom personalized products but not at the expense of my mental health so I am working on wording to put out there that helps my client to understand that my products are “imperfectly unique” with bits of character.

I am also trying to figure out my marketing as this is not MLM so no marketing tools already built and ready to use.

I have many years of Sales and Marketing but now I am also the creator/designer.

I’m so thankful for all the support and guidance I do get just wishing I had the language to put it out there.

My sister would be very proud of the progress I’ve made so far and I keep the photo collage I did up of her timeline with me at the store to push me when the self doubt stirs.

Grief

Ydono1 Comment

Today seems to be a rough one. My childhood friend lost her husband earlier this month to a long term illness and because of Covid his memorial service was shared by Zoom. I was able to watch it after and I am very happy that I was able to because I never got the chance to meet him.

Today is the 3rd yr anniversary to my big sisters passing of cancer. George and I are birthday twins. She is 4 yrs older than me and my Brother Dave and his 3 children have a huge hole in their lives right now. I miss being able to reach out for that sisterhood connection that we had. She had the biggest heart but was strong and taught me to stand up for myself. I fail at that at times.

So today I’m grieving. I’m in the midst of covid reopening but not able to get myself out for full escapes.

I’ve been uptight and very emotional. I’m hoping this will pass soon.

Covid 19 continued

YdonoLeave a comment

Hi so I finally went back to work on Monday Feb 1. Very happy to be back, however we are still in lockdown till the 11 th I believe then things will open again with restrictions.

I’m hoping for the Gym, Restaurants and stores. I need to have some of my coping tools back.

So since Christmas I’ve had a few orders here and there. I’ve been distracted so had to redo a few of them as my application fails me. I did finally make a shirt for myself. The stars represent my losses this past year. Trooper July, Harriet Sep, Fern Dec and Rosie Jan. I have had a rough go with staving off my depressions but I am lucky to have the friends and family I do have to help me get through.

We have added a new family member his name is Copy Cat. He is a brave love bird lol. Except he is not hand tame. He will fly to me and sit on me, give kisses but as soon as I try to touch him he moves away. Working with him to gain his trust. Only had him for a week now.

As far as the store is going we’ve been in lockdown but I’ve gone in and worked on stuff and it’s coming together. Uniquelyys.ca is continually being updated. Need to work on the paperwork side of the business this month. Hoping we can open up to the public again soon.

Copy Cat in converted cage setup

Mya and Copy Cat
My Shirt representing my losses

Covid 19 lockdown

YdonoLeave a comment

So since March 2020 we have had a series of lockdowns and stay at home orders.

I have found I don’t do well with not being able to go out and socialize. We were back to work in Sep, then Christmas Break came and it is now extended again. Supposedly we are going back to work (school) Feb 25th.

This last stay at home I’ve really struggled mentally and it is causing migraines again. Lots of crying and missing visits and outings.

I have been going to the store and working on stuff but it is not enough to distract me from being closed off. John is helping as much as he can. I try not to bother others too much with this as I don’t feel it is fair to them to whine.

I just need to feel purposeful and set goals.

Trying to create for myself I get stuck. Creating for customers/family is helpful.

End of September

YdonoLeave a comment

Last week of September. So far I’ve had 1 student off bus to be tested (negative) because he doesn’t go to school on his moms week. I have another 3 being tested because their parents are teachers (expect negative). Jeremy and I have already tested each other. So school is off to a great start. I have a new little she is 4.

Getting in some orders and working on Tumblers. Trying to figure out how to do a few things with the programs. I like learning new things and testing my abilities.

Chris is going to work on the website and build it up. I think T-shirts are going to be a big seller and I’m not completely sure I want to go that route but I will if I can Sublimate them…

Mom is supposed to move tomorrow but the new owners have asked for an extension on the sale of the farm and so she is stressed. Find out later today what they will be doing.

I finally got myself back in the pool today. Was so sore this weekend but now I feel better. Swimming for the win!