Tag: PTSD

More changes

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The train is in constant motion. Whether it be on the mental health track, physical health, financial health, relationships or other. It is always in motion.

As I strive to be better and healthier I am met with more realizations. I am not someone who likes change but I constantly make changes as I strive for better.

This week I met with a psychiatrist and he has added a new med that should compliment what I am already on and help me stabilize my anxiety. This will help me move forward in so many directions.

I have to admit I am nervous it will negatively affect me and my driving career with the school bus. I rely on the school bus to support my business and my mental health. I rely on it for so much as it has been my best stabilizer through the past 23 yrs. Losing this would be a huge loss for me. I rely on it financially as well for just knowing I have the funds to meet our needs as they come.

We just went through a week of snow days and holidays mixed with a weekend and losing that routine was not easy.

I did use the time to catch up on bookkeeping for our 2020 files. Next will be getting 2021 caught up. Then focus on inventory and then advertising/website development.

The house is coming together as I have had assistance from a couple friends over the past couple weeks. My mental health worker and Home Support has been great.

So here I am moving along on the track of life. Sometimes speeding on a straight way, easy going. Other times more than not, up-hill on a bend as slowly and safely as possible. But still progressing.

Thanks for your support as you read this. I truly appreciate it.

Adjusting…

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So after the initial plan of moving just the manufacturing over to the new location, we have now completely moved.

This means that I am now adjusting how things will look and work here. I am adjusting to this as this was not my plan. We were going to be sharing a space with another Vendor but he felt the space didn’t work for him with my products in it. So we decided to pull out completely. I feel betrayed and am in a bit of shock but I am getting there.

At least I am away from the daily drama and don’t have to deal with certain issues anymore. I know that I am part of the issue as I am someone who will speak my truth and sometimes I don’t have the best filter.

I am not someone who adjusts to change easily and it will take me sometime to get there. Also not someone who can understand the way people treat each other. The negativity is not what I work well in and I am a mediator type of personality so I am always trying to fix issues that are not mine to fix. I do understand where that comes from but have yet to be able to walk away from doing it.

I know I am feeling hurt and betrayed but I don’t believe that was anyone’s intention. Trying to wrap my head around this is going to really take me some time and energy to keep going.

I just have 1 more load to get from the Market then we are done.

On the home front John and I are still continuing with COPE part 2 (part 2). We are now doing every other week sessions with our Coach and we are moving to complete some of our goals.

1 Being that we are decluttering the home and making it more of a comfortable space for the both of us. I have my Mental Health Worker every other week and Home Support weekly.

I know I don’t ask for help easily and that is something I am working on. Part of the reason I don’t ask is because I can’t seem to be clear with my words as my brain is racing, and I can’t tell them what I need at that moment. The other reason is that when I finally do ask… I fail to get the help I need ( such as what just happened at the Market).

2 Finances are being openly spoken about and we are moving together on completing some of the goals we had set for that.

3 Being closer is also progressing and we are finding more enjoyable moments together. We are creating time just for us and that is working. We are as always talking to each other about our needs but the conversations are constructive now and I feel we have found a way to understand and meet each others needs and wants.

So I use these type of posts to calm my brain when I am stressing and having it written for me to later read and understand where I was mentally.

For those that are reading this please note this is for me to sort my thoughts but also for you as the reader to understand how someone like me with Depression/Anxiety Disorder as well as PTSD copes day to day.

Thank you for your kindness and support.

Moving Along

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Unpacking

We have started to move our Store over to the new location. As John brings in the many boxes I am trying to figure out where everything is going to go when I finally have the cabinets and shelves in.

Tomorrow the final pieces should be coming and I can finally have it all in one room again.

Unpacking all the shirts I realized I have a great selection of different sizes,colours and materials for ab awesome promotional sale when I get the new printer in. I’m so excited that I can do full graphics Hugh quality prints myself and start doing up promotional bundles for local businesses close to us, as a way of introducing ourselves.

I am in process of adding the new location to my Google and Wish Local.

On the home front John and I continue our meetings with the life coach from COPE. Last night we discussed communication. We had a conversation this morning that was quite difficult but I think we are moving forward.

I’ll leave it at that for now as my brain is rushing with anxiety and I can’t find a balance at the moment.

Move started

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We were able to start moving stuff into the new space today.

Excited to see how this space will work for us to grow and expand. I love all the windows and clear line of site over the neighboring farm fields.

This week I have a few things to finish and then I can focus on packing the rest of the equipment and moving it over next weekend.

I put larger decals on our van. I realized I should have put the QR code on it but I can add it. I printed them a little larger than I should have so we put them on the side window. I’ll print them again so they can go on the other side.

I also started getting help from my mental health worker with getting through my anxiety attacks when I’m decluttering at home. She referred me to housing support.

I had my first meeting with housing support and we have set up a weekly session of an hour to move through the house. We have it set for 1 year.

John and I continue to meet with our life coach through the COPE program. We are working towards our goals and starting to work together better. We really didn’t have huge issues but we were both having difficulties individually and this has given us a way to support each other and come together as a stronger couple.

I am thankful for the support we have been getting and for John taking the help.

COPE

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John and I did a full week of intense therapy. We did a program called COPE Couples Overcoming PTSD Everday.

We were part of a 4 couple group. We stayed at a resort and everything was taken care of. Food/lodging ect.

John and I had some intense moments together. Dealing with our combined PTSD is not easy and we built some tools and dusted some others off…

We had an issue with the landlord before we left and had to deal with that while we were away. He wanted Dylan out of the house before we left. Told us Friday and we left Sunday morning. So we got a paralegal to draw up a letter to him to remind him he is overstepping.

We are now nervous with the relationship we will have with him as we move forward. We are now thinking we will no longer be living there long term.

Mom was in hospital for 3 days as well her kidneys and liver are in distress. So she was in hospital being monitored. She us home again and is doing better.

BC is flooding. I checked on Dad and he is ok. Our old house that we started our marriage in is under water but it is in the Sumas Prairie which was a lake before the 40’s… so not sure if it will recover.

Jason is busy driving supplies in from the train to wherever.

Uncle Jim is on his last days… so John will be going out west soon.

So many changes. Also Vera is going back to Belgium.

I am trying to cope with everything but I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Fall 2021

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So much has been going on since the last time I rook the time to post.

Currently we have Dylan living with us with his Dog Sid and her 9 4 week old pups… trying very hard not to get attached and beg John to keep one haha… trying…

Store is starting to pick up. I have a few orders and more are coming… Truckers Tourettes is going to build up. Needing new equipment to support the demand.

Replaced a mug press with the next one that does so much more. Ordered many more blanks.

Working with Jon and Vera the artists in house. To help sell their art but also increase the awareness of what can be done.

We are finally going to the COPE program on November 14. Will be away for the week. So will no bus or store for the full week. Looking forward to it as we have been on the waiting list for over 2 yrs.

I finally have a mental health worker again. Cassidy. Will work through the workbooks from bounce back with her.

Lots of moving forward…

I need to record that I’m still in a ton of pain from my left achiles tendon. Getting worse and sciatica is starting to act up again.

Uncle Jim is in hospital again. Prostate cancer and not sure what else. John is preparing for a funeral. I won’t be able to go with him.

Jaimie is coming to inspect again… we hired Rhonda to get house back in order. Mel is going to come up and help as needed. Dylan is building a space in the barn for him and Sid.

I think I have most of it caught up now.

Projects getting done

Back to School

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My last night before going back to work as a school bus driver. Feeling excited, and nervous. Have not had to wake early for about 9 months. Hoping I’ll be ok in the morning. So excited to see the kids.

So many emotions!

I have been working on my website as I changed servers. It is quite daunting as I need to redo all my products. I am lacking in product descriptions but I will figure that out.

So my busy days are starting again. 7-10 bus, 10:30-2:30 Store, 3-5:30 bus

This is Charlenes last week here. She flies to Alberta on Friday. She is staying here with us.

Our house is full. Dylan and his dog Sid are also staying here till he figures out what he needs and gets sorted.

John is feeling a bit overwhelmed but we are managing.

Ok time for bed

Plans

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We are still in Covid Lockdown #3. Not sure if schools are going to open up before end of the year. Still running store as curbside pick-up.

I have ordered more molds and different stuff for the epoxy resin. I am trying new things with it. One of the other vendors in the market works with resin as well and we are doing a lot of supporting each other and helping each other grow our ideas. He is a great artist and he already had me do a transfer of his art on a shirt.

I will be getting a CNC to add to our equipment. Which is exciting as we are going to be able to do so much more.

The full focus of my shop is still going to custom personalized art. Just will have the option to add other products.

As for personal plans. I have reconnected with Community Mental Health and am going to see which programs will help me get through this bought of depression and anxiety.

John is waiting for the OT to assess him to see which programs he is eligible to help him.

You can tell we aren’t doing the best as our home is cluttered and disorganized. Having someone come in every other week to do a refresh is helpful but I’m not getting through the clutter and it is very draining.

I am going to keep focusing on building the business presence online and grow the network.

Building Jays logo for Trucker Tourettes has been draining. I think we are getting it where it needs to be.

Forward thinking and ignoring the wishy washy news of when things are going to reopen is how I am going about my days.

Sunday Surprises

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BBQ +GRASS FIRE

We were having a nice relaxing day. John was actually feeling pretty good after a week or more of PTSD downward spiral.

He wanted a BBQ in the fire pit so went out and bought everything to make these awesome burgers. Once they were done he brought them in.

Next moment we get a knock on the back door. It is our neighbor letting us know we have a little grass fire… well it quickly went bigger due to the wind.

They have a back hoe at their place right now and so thankfully they brought it up and put a fire line before it got to the barn. Our other neighbor came and everybody (but me) contributed to it being under control by the time the fire dept arrived.

They soaked it and let us know that we will not receive a fine because it was a fire pit and it was not started by negligence.

I am so thankful that it did not go towards the house. It was stopped before it got to the barn and took off on the back hill. It was stopped before it affected anyone else’s property.

Now I am thinking of thankyou gifts…

John is in another spiral and I am not sure if I am able to help him. All I can do is tell him we were lucky it happened when it did. If the neighbors weren’t outside and using the back hoe we would have been in such a disaster.