Tag: relationships

New friendships

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I have had a rough few days mentally bashing… questioning my self worth and such.

Doubting my skills and really struggling.

I have developed a new friendship that has helped me in leaps and bounds. They seem to find ways on my lowest to boost me.

I am feeling very blessed at the moment and want to be sure to focus on building a strong healthy relationship.

For the few negative people in my environment I have many more positive ones to out weigh the negative.

My focus is to practice putting my thoughts and reactions in proper balance.

Thank you for all that are supporting each other in positive ways and helping to build up people. You never know just how much a light smile or small gesture can lift someone.

New beginnings

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The past month has been busy.

I’ve been to Moms twice. The first visit was for our birthdays. We had a breakfast outing and Mom tried to swim in her pool. I enjoyed it but she got overwhelmed quickly. I showed her how to use the noodle and that helped but the pool is cool and gets deep fast.

The next visit was to exchange laptops. Her screen isn’t working. She took it to the computer repair guy in the mall and he basically ripped the screen out and then told Mom she bought the wrong replacement. Gave it back to her in pieces and charged her $75… I now have it and she has my ACER.

Last weekend Vera opened her store in the market across from me. I’m so excited that she is there. We are all working together.

I set up the CNC and surfaced my spoilboard to the point that it will not be able to be surfaced again. Lol

John has moved into my booth and is doing up whips, bracelets and Keychains. He is a huge help. I know it is hard for him to be there all day but he pushes himself to do so.

Daryon has changed employers. He starts tomorrow at Pembroke Nissan. I am so excited for him. He will learn lots and grow with this experience. Canadian Tire tried to persuade him to stay. It made it really tough on him to make the change but I think this was a great move.

Steven and Rain are doing well. They went to the gym today so that is great. Much more motivated than I am lol.

School should be starting at the end of this month. Looking forward to that.

Going to visit Grandma first. We will go from Monday to Thursday.

So all new starts this month. Looking forward to the next few months to see where things are going.

50 yr birthday

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I am now 50 yrs old. I had a great day which I spent with family and friends.

I received many Birthday wishes. Had a BBQ lunch at home with John and the missionaries. They helped us with yard work.

We then went to have dinner with Daryon and Taylor. We enjoyed steaks cooked on an open fire, fresh veggies and dip. Had an ice cream cake.

I also had moments where I thought of those that are no longer here with us. My big sister (not biological related) and I share our birthday. She passed away a few years ago of stomach cancer. I miss our chats and supporting each other. Mostly she supported me through the years.

A dear friend who also passed of cancer a few years ago. We would celebrate our birthday together as it was only a few days apart.

I cherish these memories and many more as I have been blessed with many good people in my life. I hope that I can be a good friend to all that need me. I wish to be supportive and encouraging.

My goals in life is to hopefully leave each relationship better then when it began. Even if it ends negatively that the person can think of something positive out of the relationship.

I am so thankful for everyone in my life. Looking forward to another year of lessons and opportunities to grow.

Frustrated

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I would like to remember to write when I am feeling good, but it seems that I only think to write when my mind is spinning out of control.

So here is why I am spinning tonight. My friend that is helping me with the business is gone away for the month so I thought… She left on the 18th, so I assumed she would be back around the 3rd week of July. I spoke with her today and she informed me she would be back in August but didn’t give me a date.

I’ll try to bulletin where my thoughts are.

1. She planned trip for leave in June before we knew if I was going back to the bus. She is the person in the store while I am on the bus.

2. When I was taking her to the airport she only thought of her needs and didn’t consider what my plans may be and I ended up not only paying for her lunch (not a huge deal as I always seem to foot the bill) but also had to make travel arrangements for her fiance to be able to get home from our place because I have the vehicle and he didn’t want to wait for me to get back.

3. I needed some of her files to complete orders and she didn’t leave me anyway to access them. I figured it out but again she had tons of time to prepare for her absence and make sure we were covered business wise.

4. Today she calls to make travel arrangements for her fiance and will need someone to take care of her cats. I asked what day she is coming back and that is when I find out not till August. Meaning she avoided telling me a date to avoid the conversation as I had already expressed that 1 month is ok but need her back so I can have some time off. I will be going back to the bus in September and then back to 7 days a week of working between my job and my business.

I am upset that every time in the last couple weeks that we talk I seem to be getting angry, frustrated, and upset. I am constantly reminding her she is only thinking of herself and not considering how it affects others.

I feel like I am only there for her but forget about my needs being met and it hurts.

I was looking forward to spending my 50th birthday with her and then she made plans for this trip. That hurt more than I thought it would.

I am building the store in a way that I won’t rely on her anymore. It sucks because I was hoping that she would venture into the craft business more with her stuff. However she is a maker but not a seller. Learning…

I have been working with my husband and we are doing pretty well. He struggles being there all day but has been working on his whips.

I guess I have just come to the realization that this friendship is near it’s end and I have lost so much over the past 2 yrs that I am drained.

New adventures await as the tides change…

Everyday is a new day. Is my mantra. I’ll live and as I do I’ll grow.

Progress

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This has been a busy week. Started off with an order for 6 t-shirts and a couple more orders.

Been working on some resin art pieces. Also some other orders are coming in. Feels good to have something to work with.

We are getting 2 retired breeding hedgehogs at the end of June so I’ll have them in my household again. I just love the temperaments of these fun creatures. These 2 are both 2 yrs old.

We are still in lockdown #3 till June 2. No word on when we will be going back to work. I don’t imagine we are going till September. However, that is just a possibility. Who knows with politics.

John has been doing a lot of outside work this week and his moods have improved. The warmer weather has been a huge help.

I have connected with Bounceback Ontario and waiting for a response. I have also reconnected with Community Mental Health. I am on the waiting list for a case worker.

Things are progressing in a positive at this moment. Hoping to continue the momentum.

Covid and Relationships

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So I just received a message from a long time friend. She stated that she has blocked me on FB because I have someone on my friends list that she is not wanting in her life anymore. She doesn’t want this person to have anything to do with her and through extension she has blocked anyone that has a connection with him.

I asked if that meant she is removing me from all of her connections (Teens in the home). Also that going about it this way is quite hurtful to me. This triggered a barrage of anger towards me and lashing out.

Our friendship has been strained as it is and she is quite angry that I haven’t been connecting with her for that past while.

I have done what I can with the time and energy I have available. I do believe my friendship with this person is now over.

Covid has put quite the strain on all relationships lately. My marriage is good but it gets rough communicating. With my Depression/Anxiety and John’s PTSD.

Hard to keep up the routine of calling Mom daily as I don’t want to interrupt her day once she gets going. I am not the happiest person to speak to at the best of times but I usually have the energy to listen and help others with dealing with the negative stuff in their lives. Lately, I have not had that energy for a while now.

I am not coping very well and it is showing in the relationships I have in many areas.

A friend decided I need a wellness check last week. A crisis worker called this morning to follow up on that. I told her that I feel I need to connect with Community Mental Health again. She is putting a referral in for me.

I feel at a loss at the moment knowing that this friendship is basically over. A long time of friendship is now over. This sucks. I am truly hurt by her lashing out the way she always does. I know I should expect it.

Not being able to work and go out to release my tensions by swimming, eating out or going out to a Movie or Casino is really effecting me.

I am thankful for having a separate space to work in, doing the custom products help distract me. My house needs some love but not able to get into the proper mindset.

Anniversary

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Not our wedding anniversary yet. 4 yrs ago today my sister passed away. We are 17 months apart. She is the younger.

Nadene was the brightest light and loudest in our family. Being a middle child she played that role well.

Even though it has been 4 yrs, some days it feels just like yesterday she was on the other end of the phone. Yammering away with her stories and dramas.

She had a rough life but she could always make you smile and people were drawn to her.

This is just a quick post as I don’t want to spend too much time dwelling on the loss but more on trying to keep her light going.

Business doubts

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So it has been a full year since I started to fully think of myself as a business owner and working to build it.

Since November I have been renting a booth as a full time vendor at Up-Town Market.

We are now in our second lockdown and that means no foot traffic. When school is open I am still driving bus so I have 3 hrs per day to be at the store.

I’m trying hard to utilize this extra time to make the booths more appealing. I am adding products to expand the variety.

I am struggling as I am fighting another depression due to these changes over and over.

I am struggling with my self confidence as I was building a good momentum with T-shirts and other products but one of the other booths is doing the same and I am feeling defeated. I almost want to give up completely as the other business is promoting almost daily.

I sound petty and jealous but honestly it is a fear that I am not good enough and that I am way over my head. I have support but I don’t ha6the self confidence that I had. I realize some of this is due to my mental health but it is also a lack of true support from the other store that is now directly competing with my business even though that is not what we agreed on. I’m stuck….

I really need to have our lockdown end so I can regain my mental health coping mechanisms.

Frustrated

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Building a business is hard and I’m learning. I am in a small market with other vendors and as I build my product line and focus on how to represent myself, I failed to recognize the other vendors.

I have built a quick verbal blurb to introduce my store and offer my card for the customer to come back or contact me with an idea of what they would like done, as I am focused on a custom personalized product.

One of the other vendors also does custom work but I misunderstood her products and have not promoted her properly. We do overlap in products and services which is tough. Our Market is very small and we are side by side.

She feels that I am not respectful to her business and I’ve felt that she keeps trying to limit my services. This has caused tensions.

I am expanding my products but not services. I honestly did not understand the full extent of her products as they were not brought in till after I was established.

My friends are wanting me to move to a new location but I really don’t want to move. I’m scared that if I do move it will cause a negative effect on my business as well as the Market.

So for now I will continue where I am and keep building. Hopefully we will move forward and build a positive environment that coordinates well.

Childhood Trauma

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So as the oldest of 3 I took on a lot of responsibility growing up. My earliest memories are of my sister and I huddled together listening to horrible fights between my parents.

My parents separated for a year when I was 6 and we were taken to BC from ON. Leaving our Mother in ON. This put me in a role of care taker of my young siblings. Sister just turned 5 and my brother was 2.

We lived with relatives and then with a woman and her children for a while.

Mom moved to BC to come join us. We had 5 great years as a family. Could not have asked for better. Than things fell apart and I took on the role of mediator and continued my role of care taker of my siblings.

Both of my siblings remember our family lives very much differently than I do. I know they didn’t see what I did and they didn’t know what I do. This makes it hard for them to understand where I come from when I start to defend things about our mother. Who finally left the marriage when I was 28 and I told her I was done being a mediator.

I am realizing just how much trauma I went through and why I process things so differently than my siblings.

These are hard to accept at times before I had the mindset that I had an ok life without abuse ect. Now I’m realizing just how much was there.

We have raised our sons who are now in their own relationships and I’m hoping that I was able to give them the tools that I didn’t have to handle the tough stuff that comes up.