Tag: relationships

Bursting at the seams

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With end month bills and payments due. Trying to not use Johns money because he only gets paid once a month. That was the goal. I needed supplies and products in the store so I could prepare for the coming season.

I am waiting for a payment to go into my account from a customer so I can pay John back some of the money. He always so I don’t need to but when he gets low on funds he starts to fall apart and it is hard to calm him. I do as well as possible but if I try to talk to him about it, it irritates him. So I shut down and try to not talk too much.

I have my own mental health hurdles and we do as well as we can to not have bad days the same day. Yesterday was his and today I’m feeling so tight in the chest, jaw, neck and stomach. So not that I want to rely on yet another pill (I have anti-depressants and another 2 I use at night for sleep and PTSD) I am taking an anti-anxiety pill so I can relax a little. I would have gone swimming or to a float tank if we weren’t in Covid restrictions.

I really don’t like turning to meds but I’ve learned there are things I have to accept in order to be productive.

I miss my coping mechanisms.

Grief

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Today seems to be a rough one. My childhood friend lost her husband earlier this month to a long term illness and because of Covid his memorial service was shared by Zoom. I was able to watch it after and I am very happy that I was able to because I never got the chance to meet him.

Today is the 3rd yr anniversary to my big sisters passing of cancer. George and I are birthday twins. She is 4 yrs older than me and my Brother Dave and his 3 children have a huge hole in their lives right now. I miss being able to reach out for that sisterhood connection that we had. She had the biggest heart but was strong and taught me to stand up for myself. I fail at that at times.

So today I’m grieving. I’m in the midst of covid reopening but not able to get myself out for full escapes.

I’ve been uptight and very emotional. I’m hoping this will pass soon.

Final descent for this year.

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We are currently descending and John will be at the airport to pick me up.

I’m super glad I bought myself a new suitcase combo. I am able to put my cpap in the carry on and all the tumblers plus my clothing fit in the suitcase. Without using the extender part of it.

Had a great night with Cheryl and family.

I’m trying not to feel sad about going home to a place without my Trooper. It is super frustrating for me.

Troopers favourite spot to be with me.

Tonight we are going to stay at the hotel and tomorrow pick up Char and head back to Renfrew.

End of the voyage day 1

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My unexpected extended visit in BC has come to its end. I am currently on the plane to Edmonton.

I had a great visit with Brook. We had a lot of swimming time. We had a play day at Fun Castle Park. Yesterday we went to Sardis Park. It was nice to be amongst the ducks and geese.

I was on the Island over the weekend and had a day with Steven and Rain. It was a great visit. I sure do miss having him around. We ate at Smittys with Dad D. Then went for a drive. Went to the lagoon walked on the beach. It definitely isn’t the same. I miss seeing the swans there. No geese or ducks. Just Herrings and Sea Gulls. Tons of people on the beach.

We had chinese for dinner and watched a movie. Well 2 but the first was a Japanese Suicide Club movie. Hard to follow and quite grotesque. The other was was quite interesting I believe it was called Akita. An AI from 300 yrs ago with Marsian tech. Quite a good story.

Then I left and headed up Island to Nicks place. Had a short visit with Aunt Be. Maddie and I went and played with the cows and had Burgers and Ice Cream for lunch. We dropped off a business card at the tie die t-shirt place called T-shirts that talk.

I went further up Island to see Dustin and was able to meet his littles. I’m so happy he has great memories of living with us and having our home as a good experience. He has grown into a good man. He adores his kids. Was so nice to see.

I then stayed one more night at Nicks and picked up 2 more shirts. Left in a rush because my anxiety was getting to me and I forgot to say goodbye by to Aunt Be. I was lucky to get to the ferry and was able to catch that ferry out instead of waiting for the next ferry out. I had booked the 5:45 PM ferry caught the 12:45 PM one as the last 4th car.

Had a great visit with Serene. I actually feel our rift is healed. She seemed genuinely happy to visit with me. I do really miss having those long lasting relationships. We’ve been best friends from 16 yrs old. Crazy the life we live.

This trip was a very good one. My only regret is not actually getting a real visit in with Dad. Not something I would do with Covid being an issue. He does look better than he did last year.

So we have a few options available to us if we do choose to move back this way. Most of it is dependent on family members passing away.

Covid and Traveling

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I arrived at my Brothers yesterday we had a great day. Lots of activities with pool, extra kids, BBQ it was a nice day.

Today we celebrate our 29th Anniversary apart. John is struggling with me being away but he is getting through. I feel bad that he is having such a hard time.

Erin my sister-in-law came home from her work away and found out she has been exposed to someone who tested positive. So we had a bit of a scramble in the house. Now Brook and I are going to stay away from Erin as much as possible. We are wearing our masks when roaming around the house. I have changed my flight plans to fly out Sep 3 and then Edmonton Sep 4…

Erin is going for a test tomorrow and we should have results back in about 3 days.

In the meantime I am canceling as many plans as I can that may not allow for Social Distance.

I am very fortunate that I have friends that are actively asking for a visit. So we will be able to go to parks and other places that give us the space.

Nerves are raw here… my Brother is hurt because he is separated from Brook. Her Mom is missing her week with her as well. It is hard on them. I know what it is like missing your kids. Not easy at all…

So Brook and I are going to be doing lots of fun activities

Missing Trooper

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Days have literally ran in to each other as I apparently have been trying to avoid facing this loss.

Trooper was my dog and was always here for me. My constant companion and would be waiting for me as I came home. The empty couch and empty dog bed is extremely hard.

He was the most loving dog and he never had issues with other animals. He loved everyone.

I know as time goes I’ll get used to him not being here but for now it is just hard.

I’m thankful for John and his patience with my breakdowns.

My life as a Mother-in-law

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So I made a mistake and am trying to find a way to fix it. I went to the kids place and Daryon wasn’t home but Taylor was outside sitting and cuddled into another guy.

I sat down and had a breaf conversation/confrontation with them. I asked if this was new and he said no, she just looked awful and then I asked if Daryon knew what was going on. As I was thinking they may have split up… she then got into a rant about how we are just too much. She was extremely drunk, could barely stand up straight, eyes half mast. It was a very unusual site. She was so out of it she said she would get Daryon out of bed… um he was already at work. I asked if I could leave the parcels for her mom there for her to pickup later. That was not good so I left and headed over to her Moms place.

So here is where I got myself in trouble to start. I was so hurt and distraught that I told Mel what was going on. I was worried that this situation would be the same as what happened with Cole and Daryon was not only going to lose Taylor but also another friend. It had me doubting her story from the situation with Cole.

The next evening Taylor messaged me that she was sorry and she could see how I would get the wrong idea. I accepted this apology and know that she was extremely drunk so I can see that her guard was down. She also told me that she had apologized to Daryon. This impressed me very much.

The next day I saw Daryon at work and as I was leaving I told him to tell Taylor I love her and that I’m impressed with her for telling him. He then said that he was already upset with her on Sat before I even went over and that she told him that the guy was painting her nails. Shocked at this as I did not see that. I told Daryon that I don’t believe she is being honest and that the reason I don’t is because I know what I saw. It was clearly cuddling. Unfortunately this stirred up more crap.

Next thing I know I’m getting messages from her Mom through the night telling me Taylor doesn’t want anything to do with me now. It sucks because we had a strong relationship but now it is damaged. I would like to resolve it. I’ve written a letter but I feel it is worded in a way that could make things worse. So I haven’t sent it to her.

I have sent her this text: I am trying to give you the space you need. I want you to know that I love you!
I understand that you are very angry with me right now and I get it.
When you are ready I am here for you.

I’m hoping she will let me talk to her soon so that this can get cleared up. Right now I’ll leave it to her to message me back or use Daryon to talk to me.