Tag: trauma

Rusty

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Rustys last day!

Rusty came to us when he was 3 yrs old he was a yappy happy dog. 4 lbs and full of bravery and well to be honest stupidity lol…

He loved his fur siblings Mya and Trooper I would catch the 3 of them sleeping all together.

We put Trooper down 2 yrs ago when he was 12 and now that Rusty is 12 he has joined him.

Rusty has been in a lot of pain over the past while, so much so that we even used CBD oil to give him some relief. It helped but not enough…

I’ve been preparing for this day, however I don’t know if you can truly prepare for these days.

Rusty taught me that I can love and cherish even the smallest of the canines lol 4 lbs of pure love!

More changes

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The train is in constant motion. Whether it be on the mental health track, physical health, financial health, relationships or other. It is always in motion.

As I strive to be better and healthier I am met with more realizations. I am not someone who likes change but I constantly make changes as I strive for better.

This week I met with a psychiatrist and he has added a new med that should compliment what I am already on and help me stabilize my anxiety. This will help me move forward in so many directions.

I have to admit I am nervous it will negatively affect me and my driving career with the school bus. I rely on the school bus to support my business and my mental health. I rely on it for so much as it has been my best stabilizer through the past 23 yrs. Losing this would be a huge loss for me. I rely on it financially as well for just knowing I have the funds to meet our needs as they come.

We just went through a week of snow days and holidays mixed with a weekend and losing that routine was not easy.

I did use the time to catch up on bookkeeping for our 2020 files. Next will be getting 2021 caught up. Then focus on inventory and then advertising/website development.

The house is coming together as I have had assistance from a couple friends over the past couple weeks. My mental health worker and Home Support has been great.

So here I am moving along on the track of life. Sometimes speeding on a straight way, easy going. Other times more than not, up-hill on a bend as slowly and safely as possible. But still progressing.

Thanks for your support as you read this. I truly appreciate it.

COPE

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John and I did a full week of intense therapy. We did a program called COPE Couples Overcoming PTSD Everday.

We were part of a 4 couple group. We stayed at a resort and everything was taken care of. Food/lodging ect.

John and I had some intense moments together. Dealing with our combined PTSD is not easy and we built some tools and dusted some others off…

We had an issue with the landlord before we left and had to deal with that while we were away. He wanted Dylan out of the house before we left. Told us Friday and we left Sunday morning. So we got a paralegal to draw up a letter to him to remind him he is overstepping.

We are now nervous with the relationship we will have with him as we move forward. We are now thinking we will no longer be living there long term.

Mom was in hospital for 3 days as well her kidneys and liver are in distress. So she was in hospital being monitored. She us home again and is doing better.

BC is flooding. I checked on Dad and he is ok. Our old house that we started our marriage in is under water but it is in the Sumas Prairie which was a lake before the 40’s… so not sure if it will recover.

Jason is busy driving supplies in from the train to wherever.

Uncle Jim is on his last days… so John will be going out west soon.

So many changes. Also Vera is going back to Belgium.

I am trying to cope with everything but I’m feeling overwhelmed.

Missing you!

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Today is my Sister’s 49th birthday. She passed away in March of 2017. We are 17 months apart. I’m the older.

Waking up today and realizing today is this particular day is hard. I want so much for to be able to call her and wish her a happy birthday.

I know she is no longer in pain and that her passing before Covid was a huge blessing. She would have suffered greatly through the past 2 yrs.

This picture is before she started to really go down hill.

She was very giggly and extremely vocal. Lol Not many memories of her being silent. She would talk me through my toughest times by just talking about whatever. Sometimes repeating herself because I would lose track of the conversation.

Today is a rough one but I know she is better where she is.

Fall 2021

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So much has been going on since the last time I rook the time to post.

Currently we have Dylan living with us with his Dog Sid and her 9 4 week old pups… trying very hard not to get attached and beg John to keep one haha… trying…

Store is starting to pick up. I have a few orders and more are coming… Truckers Tourettes is going to build up. Needing new equipment to support the demand.

Replaced a mug press with the next one that does so much more. Ordered many more blanks.

Working with Jon and Vera the artists in house. To help sell their art but also increase the awareness of what can be done.

We are finally going to the COPE program on November 14. Will be away for the week. So will no bus or store for the full week. Looking forward to it as we have been on the waiting list for over 2 yrs.

I finally have a mental health worker again. Cassidy. Will work through the workbooks from bounce back with her.

Lots of moving forward…

I need to record that I’m still in a ton of pain from my left achiles tendon. Getting worse and sciatica is starting to act up again.

Uncle Jim is in hospital again. Prostate cancer and not sure what else. John is preparing for a funeral. I won’t be able to go with him.

Jaimie is coming to inspect again… we hired Rhonda to get house back in order. Mel is going to come up and help as needed. Dylan is building a space in the barn for him and Sid.

I think I have most of it caught up now.

Projects getting done

1st Week Back ✔

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So we went back on Tuesday. Mostly the same as usual. Road work, silly drivers, great kids, stressed out on the silliest of things…

I have 2 of my students back from online learning and 3 new students. One of them I have not even met yet but I know he will be on the bus. I’ll be doing up the name badges tomorrow.

Vera and I are sharing the driving from Ottawa back and forth between bus runs. We are helping each other at the store. I spoke with her today to let her know that if she feels crowded or imposed upon to let me know. She told me that was not even a thought. We found out we both have the same internal self speech and anxieties. We will help each other grow.

Charlene flew to Edmonton this morning. I made sure she knew that my saying that I won’t miss her was just a facade and in fact I will miss her dearly. I feel like another Sister has left me. I want what is best for her. I feel that being with her family out there will be such a great blessing for her. How lucky she is to have Grandchildren and the opportunity to be with them as they grow. She has her daughters in-laws welcoming her with open arms. She will finally have the love and support of family that she completely deserves.

Fred has brought me some backgrounds for my displays and things are starting to look much better. I need to focus on my website this weekend but tomorrow getting the space cleaned up and visually pleasing again.

I spoke with Jon and told him to go ahead with any resin art that he wants and if he needs anything to let me know. I want to focus on the CNC skills right now. Get that going before the Christmas rush.

I lost a sale today. My Square would not connect and as we were trying the lady put her card away twice. I had Vera come and try with hers and the customers card failed. I think she purposely put the wrong pin in. It was a spontaneous order so… I think the delay made her change her mind.

I have a tumbler that a customer gave me the art it was from a teen daughter that is now deceased. I decided not to contact the family to ask permission to sell it as it as it was ordered as a gift to the mother of the deceased as a gift.

So I will offer other possibilities to the person wanting it. Not sure if this is the best action but I believe so.

I’m mentally, emotionally and physically exhausted.

Childhood Trauma

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So as the oldest of 3 I took on a lot of responsibility growing up. My earliest memories are of my sister and I huddled together listening to horrible fights between my parents.

My parents separated for a year when I was 6 and we were taken to BC from ON. Leaving our Mother in ON. This put me in a role of care taker of my young siblings. Sister just turned 5 and my brother was 2.

We lived with relatives and then with a woman and her children for a while.

Mom moved to BC to come join us. We had 5 great years as a family. Could not have asked for better. Than things fell apart and I took on the role of mediator and continued my role of care taker of my siblings.

Both of my siblings remember our family lives very much differently than I do. I know they didn’t see what I did and they didn’t know what I do. This makes it hard for them to understand where I come from when I start to defend things about our mother. Who finally left the marriage when I was 28 and I told her I was done being a mediator.

I am realizing just how much trauma I went through and why I process things so differently than my siblings.

These are hard to accept at times before I had the mindset that I had an ok life without abuse ect. Now I’m realizing just how much was there.

We have raised our sons who are now in their own relationships and I’m hoping that I was able to give them the tools that I didn’t have to handle the tough stuff that comes up.